How far from the tree?

Almost from their child’s birth, parents study their children to see which parts come from the mom, which come from the dad, and which characteristics come from seemingly no where to offer surprises both pleasant and unwelcomed. At least early on, it’s one of the joys of parenthood.

Much less enjoyable, at least in my case, however, is turning that lens the other direction. How does the parenting I’m practicing reflect what I received? What traits have I inherited, and how can I reinforce the strengths and compensate for the weaknesses?

Like a military re-fighting the last war, my parents cast a shadow over me as I think, “What would my dad do and how should I do it?”

I haven’t done a lot of analysis of my parents, and while I think most of my personality comes from my father rather than my mother, I can’t be sure. And while I love my parents, of course, I would like to avoid one particular minefield that has plagued my relationship with my father. And his relationship with his father before.

It’s in the back of my mind whenever I have to confront CJ about something, whenever she disobeys us or behaves insolently (which is virtually every hour of every day). It haunts me. Will I be able to avoid the fate that my father could not, even as he suffered the same from his father?

And she’s only 4.

I want CJ to benefit from my experience, to avoid my failures and to improve on my successes and achieve successes of her own.

But my control over that is both limited and, in some cases, unwanted. I have more control over and responsibility for the lessons I carry forward from my experience as my parents’ child. And that frightens me more.

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